Lose Control

I’m so in love with life, and I feel like I’ve been keeping my heart from it. It’s like that relationship, that person, whether spouse or child, that you love so much, but they’ve hurt you, or you’ve been hurt by them because of your codependent or unhealthy attachment you’ve placed on them, the “pedestal” you’ve put them on. So you stay away, you don’t let them in fully, and you keep your heart from the one thing that you know will bring joy and unity into your life, because that’s how relationships are designed. Specifically your spouse, the becoming “one” is not just a term, it’s an actual unity of soul and body. When you keep yourself from PART of yourself, you can’t fully experience to the degree you were designed for.

That’s where I’m finding myself today. In order to fully be present, experience all I was designed for and all this life has to offer, including heaven on earth (real life) – I can’t keep my heart from it. Jesus came so that we might have life and life to the fullest, the God kind of life, the quality of life that God posses is the actual definition. Yet, I feel like I am keeping my heart from that kind of life because I don’t trust it, it’s hurt me, or I don’t believe in it.

I love SO much that God gives us HIS Spirit on the inside of us. I love that we are made up of spirit, soul and body, and that it’s our choice which side gets the better of us, and which side we allow to dominate our soul – spirit or body. Even when my emotions (body side) don’t line up with the Truth, I can literally FEEL the Truth welling up deep, deep down inside (Spirit side). It’s like even if my head doesn’t believe, my heart does, and I consciously KNOW my heart does. It’s why I’m feeling this pulling, this uncertainty on the inside, the “unrest” if you will. I haven’t given in, I’ve kept up the walls to this Life that I love, yet I know, that no matter what I experience or see or even feel, that the Truth is still REALITY. And this Truth can be MY reality, if I choose to let it be. If I choose to give in to it, trust it, let down my walls, and become ONE with it – the Truth, the good LIFE.

It’s why the dominant, perfectionistic, controller (me) has a hard time becoming one w/ this Truth, because we have to let go, give in, and hand over the reigns – we are no longer in control. But what does that really mean? It doesn’t mean I don’t have responsibility or a choice, it means the way I do things, in my own strength, hasn’t been working, so instead of doing it and trying it in my own strength (which produces my own reality), and instead of seeing it my way (which is limited), I choose to line up with what the Spirit says, what the Truth says, even if I don’t see it or feel it. I know I’m repeating myself here, but this is how I have to process it to understand it clearly. It all has to line up and make sense. I need to see A. B. C. in order (hence the control side).

When I was little my parents said I would always tell them “I love my life!” and I really did. I remember thinking on multiple occasions, how great life was, how great God was, and how much life had to offer, even as a young child. I’ve always been the dreamer, because I’ve seen things as they really are designed, from God’s perspective, because I knew how God felt about me, I knew my worth. But we are told it’s not possible, we are told no, the door gets slammed, people lie to you, you get hurt, you choose the wrong choice, make a bad decision in a moment of lack, and there begins those heart beliefs that unknowingly pull you away from this sense of dignity and worth, and ultimately the trust you have in the Truth.

But I am sitting here, finding myself at odds within my self. One moment I feel one thing, and the next another that’s completely opposing. I have two sides within that are warring, and it’s nothing more or less than my flesh and my spirit believing opposite realities. I’m never going to give in to my flesh completely, because I know the Holy Spirit too well, I HEAR Him and SEE Him working all around. I have His thoughts and His love welling up on the inside of me without even trying (that’s the righteousness of Christ given to me through receiving Him as my Savior)! Today, what’s it going to take for me to actually give in to that side, and to let my flesh die (to be buried with Christ, and risen with Him). To let down my walls of insecurity and distrust, and to give in to LIFE. The God kind of life that I am meant to experience, the life that’s waiting for me behind the walls I’ve built, the life I love, but have been afraid to believe in.

I have choice, we all do. It’s simple really. It’s why I want to know exactly what will happen if I do _____, because I understand that I have a choice to give in, or to say “NO!” and stand firm in my stubbornness or will. I see Rovun (my toddler son) do it all the time. Even though he desires so strongly to have what I’m offering, he sometimes still chooses the opposing attitude or decision because of his pride or stubbornness, or even his confidence in his own ability to get what he wants. The times I’ve said no to this Life, are the times I’ve trusted that I can get what I want on my own, on my terms, through my own understanding and strength. It’s really nothing more than my flesh rearing its ugly head, just like what happened in The Garden. I’ve trusted what I’ve come up with, or in my ability to get what I want, instead of in the UNITY I have with the Father, and ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL that He has given me, and that I have access to because of it. I can’t believe I’ve made it this complicated all this time. I’ve been so confused, so misunderstood, so unsure, wandering around being pushed by every little wave. I’ve been looking for something to put my hope in, my trust in, when this WHOLE WHOLE time, it’s been what’s right in front of me, if I’m willing to let down my walls, and believe.

Our children are very similar in this sense. The flesh side of them wants to do it on their own, and it’s our privilege as parents to lead them by example. To teach them what joy and life comes from giving in to someone who loves you, wants the absolute best for you, and is ready when you are to jump in, carry the load, encourage and bring you your hearts greatest desires. It’s a choice, and we are teaching them to choose. Today, I’m choosing to do that with my Heavenly Father, because I know He wants to bring me my hearts GREATEST desires (how cool!)! And those desires will bless not only me, but those around me as well. “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him – these are the things God has revealed to us by His Spirit.”