Life After Loss
I’m now 21 weeks pregnant. Ironically it’s been a long journey to get here. This is my third pregnancy, and what a gift it is to have a baby, a LIFE growing inside of you. A true miracle. I say it’s all ironic because with my first pregnancy, our son Rovun, it all happened so quickly! We decided to get pregnant, and we did! What a blessing. The same wonderful news with our second baby, which led to months of bleeding, my body healing, and yet again, in all of the pain, the joy of a new life again. Our third baby, this one.
Every time I’ve be so sick and tired of being so sick and tired, I would remember that these symptoms were signs of a healthy, growing baby, that I would get to carry and eventually hold. With my second pregnancy, a few months before this one, the signs slowly started, and slowly faded, quickly followed by a visit to the Dr. where they confirmed that our sweet baby girl was no longer living on this earth. It was a terrible and horrible experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet, I know many experience. It’s not how it’s meant to be, it’s not how it’s supposed to be. “Do not eat the fruit of this tree, or you will surely die.” The Bible says in Genesis 1. That’s exactly what happened when sin entered into the world, it brought death, death of every kind. Separation from God, an understanding of good and evil, and physical ailments this world was not meant to experience. Jesus tells us in John 10:10 that “The thief (the enemy) comes to kill, steal, and destroy. But I have come that you may have Life and Life abundantly.” He also tells us that “His ways are higher,” and that “no eye has seen or mind imagined the things God has planned for those that love Him!” So, I’m confident that His “abundant” is even better than what I can hope for. This assures me of my Father’s love for me, but also of the life He has designed for me. The one that the enemy tries to ruin, and the one that I get to choose to live because of the power of the Gospel. Paul writes in Romans 1:16 – “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile.” The word “salvation” in the Greek is the word Sozo (pronounced sode’-zo). Here is the NAS New Testament Greek Lexicon Definition:
Strong's Number: 4982
Browse Lexicon
Original Word
Word Origin
sozo
from a primary sos (contraction for obsolete saoz, "safe")
Transliterated Word
TDNT Entry
Sozo
7:965,1132
Phonetic Spelling
Parts of Speech
sode'-zo
Verb
Definition
to save, keep safe and sound, to rescue from danger or destruction
one (from injury or peril)
to save a suffering one (from perishing), i.e. one suffering from disease, to make well, heal, restore to health
to preserve one who is in danger of destruction, to save or rescue
to save in the technical biblical sense
negatively 1b
to deliver from the penalties of the Messianic judgment 1b
to save from the evils which obstruct the reception of the Messianic deliverance
WOW! The gospel is the power of God unto wellness, healing, health, saving, to keep safe and sound. This is really good news – it sounds to good to be true kind of news! And it is apart from Jesus. This is what I choose to focus on daily, what I choose to remember, what I choose to say is TRUE because it’s the Word of God, even when my emotions feel the exact opposite. When we lost our second baby, my feelings did not feel this way. And so I had a choice…what would be my focus? What would be my reality?
My husband wrote me the sweetest card on Mother’s Day this year, just one month after passing our second baby. In it, he shared a note from Rovun, himself, and from Baby… Needless to say it hit my heart so powerfully and so hard, because he shared her perspective from where she is now, with Jesus, and that IS her reality. That’s the power of God! And even though I didn’t physically see the manifestation of that here on earth and in my body with Willow (that’s what we named her), I know the truth remains, and that I CAN and STILL WILL in the future… and here I am, with our third baby as living proof of that.
I know it doesn’t always seem to make sense in our “want everything perfect world” – especially mine. But instead of looking for the reasons why, I encourage you to look at the truth for EACH person in the situation, from each perspective. This is a principle that will help you in relationships too, but especially in your own heart, with your own heartaches.
P.S. Here is a WONDERFUL explanation of this INCREDIBLE Gospel from Andrew Wommack:
http://www.awmi.net/reading/teaching-articles/grace_power/
Now into the nitty gritty……………
There are SO many things I want to share, and hopefully will in more posts to follow, but today I want to focus on the emotions of losing a baby, and then being blessed with another. And I don’t even know how to begin because there are SO many emotions.
If I hadn’t lost my other baby, I wouldn’t have this one, but I still miss my baby.
I love this baby, but does that mean I don’t care about my baby I lost?
I want to be excited about this baby’s life, but I’m still mourning my other child’s death. I feel guilty for being excited and I feel guilty for not still mourning.
I want this baby, but I want my other baby too…
I want to be excited about this child, but I don’t want to feel that kind of pain again.
What if I lose this child too? What then?
My heart and mind were constantly flooded, with guilt, with fear. Two things I honestly have not struggled with in this area. With Rovun, my life and pregnancy were SO different. My husband and I have been blessed to study Natural Family Planning (NFP) of which I am a huge advocate for. And when we weren’t ready to have children yet, we were able to learn how God designed my body as a woman, in order to keep from getting pregnant for the first 5 years of our marriage (and no that doesn’t mean we never get to have sex, just so you know incase you’ve heard otherwise about NFP). And when we were ready to have children, boom – we were pregnant! I never had fear or doubt about our first child’s life, their health, my health, nothing. I remember slipping on black-ice in Michigan while walking into the Dr.’s office for labs when I was newly pregnant with Ro, and immediately speaking in tongues for fear that I may have harmed the child. And I heard the Lord gently say to me, “This baby is strong, He will be fine.” And that has literally been the story of Ro’s life. I’m very grateful. So why am I so different now?! Why is this pregnancy so different?! WHY!
I’m laughing, not quite sure why because it’s been rough and painful, but still joyful. Rovun is the sweetest big brother. Always talking about his baby brother or sister, saying hi to baby in my belly, kissing baby, hugging me, talking about what they will do together when he or she is born, it’s so cute. My husband is literally a God-send and has been SO great through all of this. And me…. I honestly feel like I’ve been a mess. As I think about WHY I feel that way, it’s becomes pretty clear that not only is this a new and different season, but I have had absolutely NO grace for myself. – No – Grace – for – myself.
Guilt and shame, worry and fear!!!!!!! - - - Do these sound like the promises of God? “But I’ve experienced my child dying – and that’s not the promise of God, but it still happened!” is my mind’s response. And yet, Hebrews talked about men and women who died still believing the promise of God and not yet seeing. But it doesn’t make it any less true! God’s Word, and God himself (same thing really), are always true, no matter what I see or experience, and that’s a tricky concept for our minds to wrap around. But that’s why He’s a heart God.
You know, Willow had so much purpose in her unborn life. She literally changed the course of our life. All of our children have, and each one for different seasons. I was crying the other day, feeling all these emotions that I wrote earlier, and finally verbalizing them. As I went to be alone with God, I asked Him what her life was meant for. And I feel this is what He showed me through His loving Holy Spirit…
She brought change. She brought power to my life. She brought confidence back. I had lost a lot of me during the time before we became pregnant with her, but when I found out about her – that all changed. I started to remember who God calls me, who He says I am, who He created me to be, who the real me was/is. I started to remember my value, the value He gave me. It’s crazy how a mother changes her thinking when she knows she is giving life to another. It’s about protecting the baby, and in order to protect the baby, I have to protect me, their source. I began to treat myself the way I knew I was worth treating. She was and is God’s Grace to me and my husband. I am literally forever grateful for her sweet life.
It’s very hard to say good-bye. But knowing that the life and JOY of Rovun that we get to experience every day, we get to have again with this new baby I’m creating, is like fresh air. I’ve wanted this baby, but fear can ruin anything. It can keep me from enjoying the life inside, connecting with that life, believing for this life, and even from remembering what God has said, which is worst of all. We are all sustained by the very Word of God, how can we forget that which actually gives us physical life and more? It’s an aimless wandering.
Before I knew I was pregnant with Baby Beasley III, in my communion with the Lord, I saw Jesus bring her to me. I saw Him giving me a life. That’s been my first defense against fear, the promise of God. Hebrews 9 speaks of our confident TRUST we can have because of Jesus and the BETTER promises He secures. I no longer have to work or earn my favor with Him, it’s freely given to me, and it’s been sealed by His blood and the Covenant He has made. His Word says that Children are a blessing, and it also says that He didn’t even withhold Jesus from us – the best thing heaven had, so will He not freely give us all things? If a child is what you desire, the Lord desires to give it.
So, I let myself be human. I can’t ignore my feelings or thoughts, but I can re-direct them, I can speak to them, I can speak life. I don’t condemn myself anymore because not even God condemns me. I allow myself to feel, because life is fleeting, and every day I GET to CHOOSE how I want mine to be spent. Having a child that is born, during the loss of another one, doesn’t take away the pain, but it brings joy everyday in the midst of sadness. I am adding to my joy with this sweet child I am carrying. I am adding another reason to smile, to live, to believe truth, to choose victory, and to live my dreams, as an example to my children as they live their own. And no matter what life on earth brings, there is another eternal soul that gets to experience JESUS. That gets to experience FREEDOM. That gets to experience HEAVEN. This child we’ve been given, is a gift, and gifts are meant to be enjoyed. And, I remember that though I am human, I have the Breath of God in me, the promise and power of the Holy Spirit, and I LIVE.
